Chunky Monkeys

Team Photo
Much to the dismay of upper management we are back for this years running of the TBC. Lets hear it for sleeping on the job!!! This years team consists of 5 elite level eaters who are trying to morph into Olympic level athletes over the next 30 days. Jocelyn Lau: Jocelyn has reached world-wide fame from growing up on the world circus tour. At the age of 5 she literally ate her parents out of house and home, and then at the age of 6 she ate her parents. She spent her tender tween years as the main attraction in the "Can you eat more than a 6 year old" show. It was there she perfected her frightening ability to eat 3 beef burritos, 2 shrimp soft tacos, 3 portions of nachos (hold the sour cream), 3 margaritas, 4 shots of Patron, and 2 churros in under 14 minutes. By the time she had retired from the circus at age 14 she decided to move to China to work on her tan and Kung-Fu skills. Dont let her small stature, pleasant demeanor, or extensive vocabulary fool you into a false sense of well-being. she will eat you under the table, and then try to eat your guts and ask for seconds. Ty Salisbury: Ty is relatively new to the competition eating scene but he has been doing his fare share of “secret training miles” as he likes to put it. At last count he could power down 3 large Pizza Hut pepperoni pizzas before his health conscious breakfast of a half cup of low fat yogurt and half a cup of oat bran cereal and a glass of orange juice. “Eating healthy is very important to me and how I live my life” he explained as he filled his water bottle with warm mayonnaise before a 30 mile training ride. “its good to stay hydrated, these triple chocolate chip brownies give you a wicked case of cotton mouth” as he straps the full brownie tray to his handlebar rack and slips out the door. Eric Dejesus: Here is a name any serious power eater will instantly recognize. For those of you who have lived under a rock since 1975 Eric was one of the top money earners on the FRUITY sausage eating tour (Frankfurter Rural area Ultimate Ingestion Tournament for Youngsters). Eric reached the pinnacle of his craft in 1985 as he beat out the heavily favored #1 ranked eater, Large Marge. Unfortunately in the 1986 off season Eric did not stick to the rigorous training regime required to eat at those levels and in his first competition the following year his stomach exploded in a messy and fatal explosion. Eric survived but the two eaters to his left and right were not so lucky. Neither man had ever been pummeled with so much sausage and succumbed to their injuries. Unfortunately that was the end of Erics eating career, his stomach was beyond repair and all the hospital had on hand for the emergency transplant was the pigeon on the windowsill outside. Over the past decade Eric has been training hard and is now ready to step back into the big leagues. “I think I am ready” he said in his last interview. “I love eating sausage and there is nothing that is going to stand in the way of me fulfilling my dream”. Way to go Eric! Ken Go: Ken didn’t get his last name because he was slow to start. Oh no, take it from me, if you give this guy a half a BBQ rib lead you will never be able to make up for lost ground. He can power down ribs with reckless abandon. After 3 full racks he might stop for a swig of beer, or he is just as likely to steal the burger off your plate before you can say "what the F...?". Ken is taking this competition seriously. He recently stole an original Civil War era, Jesus Christ issue Schwinn mountain bike from the preschool down the street from his house. “Those skinny kids don’t need this bike anywhere near as much as I do” as he makes an angry pointing motion towards the school with a BBQ sauce covered finger. The rest of his conversation is garbled and difficult to understand because of the brain freeze after slamming 32 ounces of chocolate shake. Jeff Hole: Jeff is another new-comer to the world of eating disorder reality shows. He grew up in Texarkana (is that really a place?) where he made the discovery that the average human only uses half their teeth to chew their food. The other half, as he puts it “just get in the way and slow you down from eatin faster” so he had his brother knock out all his front teeth with a 12” adjustable wrench. Now he claims he can eat food like a conveyor belt. “Ya’ll ever been to that UPS warehouse with that rollie thing for all them boxes? That’s what my mouth is like, you just keep shovelin boxes down the line and away they go... somewhere. I dont really know where they go, but that aint the point. Dont try to confuse me with all that fancy city talk.” He pauses to fix a button on his overalls. “sides, you only really need to chew the big chunks, everything else just goes down with the mix. Now what’s this about you want me to ride a bike…?”
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